I was thinking the other day about what a surreal experience it was going through the whole sperm donation thing. As I mentioned before we had to go through IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) which of course means that before the insemination occurs there has to be donation.
Now I’m sure you have all seen movies with a scene where a guy has to go and donate. There is always the buxom receptionist who flicks her hair suggestively and has a few too many buttons undone who leads the guy to a room full of porn and leaves with a wink. Unfortunately it was all rather more clinical than that.
So it was with some interest and trepidation that I headed in to make my donation.
I headed in to the fertility centre with my wife and sat down in the waiting room. I must say it felt like I had a big flashing light on my head saying “About to donate” and that everyone I passed was giving me that knowing wink and having a chuckle but in hindsight they were probably thinking about their own lives.
When the nurse came and called my name I took a deep breath and tried to nonchalantly walk over and follow her up the stairs. The silence as I followed her felt deafening and so my mouth started talking about the weather - always a safe topic in uncertain times!!!
She led me to a small room just off the main corridor. I walked in looked around and thought ‘surely this isn’t the spot, isn’t there supposed to be some “Get Smart” type corridor with about 20 locking doors that I have to head down to find the donation room.’ This is no where near private enough, just a thin door between me and all the activity outside.
She then handed me a brown paper bag, specimen cup (yes one of those small yellow lidded clear things for urine samples), some labels with my details on them and a clip board with a form on it. She started to explain the process and I was thinking, I hope she doesn’t go into any of the mechanics of donating as I’m sure I’m quite capable, hey I’ve been practising for years!!!
She closed the door behind her and I checked the lock about 4 times before I surveyed the room. Don’t want anyone entering by mistake.
The room was about 3 x 3, beige, with a sink, recliner covered in plastic, coffee table with two blue folders (wonder what’s in there!!) and a little cupboard on the wall where I need to leave my brown paper bag with the specimen cup filled with appropriate donation. Imagine taking a blue light into that room.. yuck…
So there I was a little specimen cup and a donation ahead of me.
It was not till this moment, confronted with the specimen cup, that I thought - How am I supposed to catch the “donation” in that little cup? Has no one through about what happens at the moment of donation and how hard it is to control the donation into the required location?
It’s not like a tap where the flow can be restricted and controlled. Are they mad?
A thousand questions entered my mind. Should I aim up or down? How close should the cup be? Sitting? Standing? So many confusing options…
Since then I have thought about 10 different ways they could collect the donation without it having to be caught in a little cup. A suction hose comes to mind.
So before I panicked too much I thought I had better move on and work out what I had to complete on the form. It was all pretty straight forward until I was confronted by the question -
What part of the donation did I catch?
(a) Beginning,
(b) Middle
(c) End; or
(d) All of it
Now I’m really nervous.
What if things don’t go to plan and the donation does not end up in the cup?
They ask you to wash your hands so as not to contaminate the donation so I expect scrapping it off the floor would not be acceptable. Imagine going and telling your wife, who is patiently waiting for you to complete your part, that half her future little angel is currently wriggling on the vinyl floor upstairs or even more embarrassing telling the nurse who has to clean it up.
Luckily for me all went well and let’s just say donating and catching went fine and my little brown paper bag with specimen cup and the labels and form all went into the little cupboard on the wall and disappeared to be cleaned. Yes really – CLEANED. Imagine that job? Sperm Cleaner…. Although it is probably titled “Male Fertility Cleansing Technician” or something similarly mysterious
The cleaned sperm then reappeared in a little syringe all ready to do its stuff. The rest is history and our bundle of joy will be here in 24 weeks and 6 days!
Oh and the blue folders did contain some mood assisting reading material. I’m still thinking they should have a big screen TV with a selection of mood assisting movies. Something to drown out the clip clop of heels down the corridor outside the room.
Hey isn’t it amazing that I got through the whole story without using the word “Ejaculation” hehe…
Love it Jamie... Think about in our case, with the IVF, while i was going through the egg collection under a general anaethesia, my poor man had to walk across the road all on his own to the fertility clinic to do his bit to go with my sweet little eggs... so when i asked him later how he went (i was a bit worried for him going all on his ownsome...) he said well, and when i asked him what it was like he said the room was surprisingly comfortable... it was all modern and had paintings on the wall, a big recliner in the corner, a coffee table with "men's" coffee table magazine, and a flat screen tv with DVD player... I mean when i heard this, i was like, how long do they want the men to stay for... but he said it was weird also, as it was a case of feeling that everyone "knew" what he was there to do... but all we can think of is how great technology is to allow such process to now be done to help us such couples... and we will be parents now within the next 6weeks... So yes, we love this post!!! And now, its been a case of enjoying such an exciting time!!! Hope all is well!!!
ReplyDeleteHow tired does your hand get?
ReplyDeleteThat last comment is totally uncalled for. you need to vet who goes on and leaves comment.
ReplyDeleteOutraged of Dianella